I’ve Been Away For A Long Time

So, I’m back. I know you all are wondering where I’ve been that I’ve almost completely disappeared off the face of the earth. I’m sorry and I’m embarrassed.

I think the embarrassment is what made me take even longer to come back. But I burnt out. I was burning out and I didn’t even realize it.

So much was happening in my life with my pharmacy rotations having their demands, my school has other separate demands, my financial situation going the drain, and contemplating whether I could afford a residency financially and mentally.

I didn’t have time to process all the emotions that were going on. I was just running on an automated system. And when I finally got some time to rest and think with a rotation that wasn’t as physically and emotionally demanding, it all came crashing down on me.

All the stress and feelings. It hit me that I was lonely. I was coming home to an empty apartment every day. I woke up in the dark and went home in the dark. Was this how life was always going to be?

I hoped not. Everyone was too busy. We couldn’t hang out like before. Everyone was stressed and busy as well. How could I demand that they give up their own peace for mine?

It came to the point where I started waking up tearful. Then it became a full-on cry. Then slowly it crept into my rotation.

I was crying in the bathroom and outside wondering why I was so sad. I was at the most lightweight rotation yet. I could do these projects in my sleep.

But, why was it taking so much out of me to even open a word document? I knew I could do better than this! But, Why couldn’t I get myself to move, get up, and write?

I was losing my motivation and I could feel the panic starting to set in. I love my blog. It’s my baby. But, why did I have no inspiration to write?

How could I inspire others again if I had nothing to say. I myself was uninspired and unmotivated. Would I ever write again?

I stopped working out for weeks. And anyone who knows me knows that I love working out and that I am very consistent. I wasn’t me anymore. I was crying all day sometimes.

And when I finally stopped crying, I was still unmotivated. Then, I felt like I had no time. Life lacked luster. All I wanted to do was sleep and rest.

And when I finally decided to tell my family how I was feeling. I was surprised by so much support. And they will never know how grateful I truly am for their support.

I started getting calls from family friends, all my family members, my pastor, and I realized that I was lonely. I think that was the hardest part of this year.

My family is in Florida. I’m in Georgia. My friends are busy. I didn’t get to work with a lot of other students on most days of my rotations. I was lonely. Your preceptor could be amazing, nice, and friendly. But they are still your preceptor and you are still a student.

After realizing that, I did a lot more thinking about my future in pharmacy. Could I take another year of loneliness? Even when it was hard in the other years of pharmacy, I felt like I always had social contact with my friends at school and out of school where I could escape.

This year was different. Was this how the residency life would be? Sometimes, I did not even feel like a human. And money, did I even have the money to pursue residency or attend ASHP Midyear? No. And that depressed me more.

But, sometimes God works miracles through the people around you. Here I was already resigning myself to a fate of not having a residency or going to midyear because I could not afford it.

I didn’t even know how I made it to November, to be honest. I didn’t think my finances would carry me that far. But, my church raised money for me. Family friends called me to encourage me and also gave me money. You really know who is on your side when things are tough.

I am so grateful for my support. And every time I think about the amount of support I got, I could just burst with tears (of happiness this time.) I was able to go to Midyear, the most important pharmacy conference ever, and I decided to apply for residency.

I decided that I would go back to Florida because my family is my rock. And when things get hard, those are the people I need to be with. I don’t want to feel that lonely or purposeless again.

This is my apology and my explanation as to why I have been gone for so long. But this is also my testimony. Hopefully, it is only part 1 of my testimonies.

I still have to figure out the finances and logistics of my last semester of pharmacy school. But, I don’t think the Lord would bring me this far to leave me. God has perfect timing. I just can’t let my type-A anxiety personality who loves scheduling things to sway me.

Thanks for reading my rant,

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Feel free to contact me for any questions, comments, or concerns at shikaardeta@gmail.com.

Help me create better services for you by filling out a personal development consulting survey. I want to help solve your problems! Let’s grow together!